Thursday, December 30, 2010

Friday, December 24, 2010

its christmas, so what?

The weather is barely cold enough to warrant a jacket let alone a sweatshirt.

My students are asking me the meaning behind my zombie murder implicating t shirt. I didn't mean to take off my sweater, it was just so hot in the classroom, I forgot my t shirt had blood and zombie guts on it. It's not a winterwonderland so its not christams.

although it is the season for 'writing tipsy emails and updates that sound oh so great when i write them but regretably crap when i read them the day after' so I guess that's as Christmas as its going to get.

on that note, I'm going to talk about my toilet.

I have found this absolutely divine toilet smell good thingy that I want to take with me every where I go and apply as needed.

Jelly star squeezed out of of plastic 'decorate cakes' type of thing and applied with the utmost of care onto the bowl of my toilet equals holiday joy for me.
That mysterious brown nub sneaking out under the rim of my toilet is an unidentified hanging object that has been tentatively dubbed 'petrified lizard skin' by Chi when asked "what the hell is that thing?"

geckos have been known to zip in and out of my apartment and leave tails and toes behind after capture and release out of the window (which is five stories up ...RIP geckos)

so lizard skin isn't out of the question although more likely is some scummy foamy thing that was in the toilet when it was installed and never bothered to be removed thus relieving me of all blame and to my credit discovering said nastiness and making somewhat art out of it.

you are reading this after all. Thats makes it art and not toilet scum.

Oh, I just can't help myself, I'll probably regret it later, but...

Happy holidays to all and to all a good refreshing after flush scent.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I think i'll do this...

30 Photo Challenge

This totally isn't my idea, but I do this all the time. I send random people on photo scavenger hunts back in Seattle (lovely place to take pictures). I think it'll add to my 'uninteresting things' theme. 

Who wants to see the inside of my fridge or a knick knack? *hand flies up* I totally do! 

So much to the chagrin delight of my family and friends, more boring pictures to come! 

5. favorite shoes

27. something I decorated

the weirdest things i've seen today

hahaha, I totally just realized that my messed up teeth dude in the dentists' chair could totally be Mr. Garrison 

walking by the dentists office I saw an x-ray up on a screen near one of the chairs. There were more than 7 fake teeth screwed into this person's mouth. seriously...

I saw a monk, Buddhist monk, the one that usually chants outside of the station for donations, having a wee outside of the ramp to the parking lot for the hospital. I didn't know what he was doing facing the ramp, and still chanting. Then I saw the stream. Then again this guy buys lotto tickets while flicking his cigarette ash around.

i don't get it...

I troll through other blogs just to see what other people write about, find something funnier than anything I could come up with, or something so lame it makes me feel better about myself. I just don't know what this is? It certainly doesn't make me feel better about myself, laugh out loud or inspire me to be better.

any ideas?

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

parents day? don't need no stinkin parents day

parents day for one of my classes consisted of me trying to teach, and some random moms saunter in late and proceed to chat it up in Chinese through the whole lesson.

I prep, I make some game that i can't stand playing, play nice and pretend to like the kids that I actually don't. And they can't stop talking.


Wednesday, November 24, 2010

happy thanksgiving

things I am thankful for:
-i have enough money to eat
- I don't have to work until the afternoon so i have time to do this
- No one has a mortal grudge against me, that I know of
- I have a raise coming up
- I still have some See's candies left
- I have a box of Andes mints that I'm still working through
- I found Ranch dressing at the supermarket here (although it tastes like mayo)
- I don't have to cook a thanksgiving dinner
- I have a kindle, and I don't know anyone else in this country that has one! hahahahah! I win!
- I don't have mono or swine flu or other diseases
- I'm not wanted in any country for crimes i may or may not have committed.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

i've been so sick

i've been so sick the past two weeks its not even worth mentioning. Lets just say feverish dreams convinced me that i had already quit my job, made my way back home and was about to be fed some tomato soup (which i dislike terribly) and a ham sandwich (which i love more than anything) by my mom (whom I also am fond of) in the land of Oz.Yes, i can call Oz home and you can't do a thing about it.

Yes, before trying to fall asleep in a sweat soaked bed I've been trying to read the most boring yet pleasant things i can, I know from experience that fever + medicine = horrific dreams if not coaxed from the beginning to be all fluffly and peaceful.

Since i don't have my taped off tv care bears movies then the complete Frank L. Baum Oz collection would have to do. I hadn't realized how much awful, sweet, polite, politically incorrect, repetitive and wonderful books were written about my least favorite heroine Dorthy. I seriously can't stand that chick, she just sits around passing judgment, calling people stupid, and once tossed some water on a witch. She never bothered to bring back anything that would help her aunt and uncle, wasted wishes on getting halfway to where they were actually trying to go instead of curing world hunger, and never got bestowed with a donkey head or disemboweled or anything that happened to everyone around her.

But I did get to dream about ham sandwiches and Oz and everything was green but not from mildew as it often is here.

I'd rather try something else but safe boring and polite dream inducing books I can't think of at the moment. Any suggestions?

I made the mistake of listening to The Heart of Darkness podcast to sleep last night read by some guy with a voice like Johnny Cash after five cigars and a quart of milk. Luckily my fever was gone and the worst I came up with was drowning in ink in the middle of some African desert. Mr. Conrad isn't very politically correct either.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

I got spam!

Not long ago I made what I thought was a simple comment on another blog, not something I do often figured what the hell. After that I got what I thought were a few comments from someone other than my dad. I was so stoked, people taking the time out of their days to not only make my day but enrich my whole blogging experience. 

I see a comment in terrible English and pass no judgment. I teach children bad English all the time. But at least they don’t speak good. Who am I to disparage a friendly comment about my good writing and great article...whatever. 

I make the mistake of clicking a name and get whisked away to a great site where all my Louis Vuitton needs can be met and I get half off great sandals. 

At first I was elated that someone likes to read random blogs from random people.

Then I was all, seriously people how lame can you get spamming a lowly blog that only one friend and mom check on a regular basis. What's the point?

Then I thought about it another way and totally got the warm fuzzies all over again. If my comment spawned another comment that demon birthed spam all over my blog, its like a vicious circle drawn by a spirograph that gets bigger and bigger and more entwined and means that at least someone out there cares enough to spam me. 

I’ve finally gotten past the little tiny circles on the inside and moved on to bigger and better ones where random bots and matrix agents are finding my blog and attempting to connect their fabulous fake gucci bags with my credit card number! 

Bring it on suckers! I can’t wait to see what prada fakers and chanel copy cats have to say about about my blog!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

things I haven’t done…

things i haven't done in more than 6 months: 
  • been to the hot springs
  • cleaned my bathroom (eewww)
  • bought a plant (I buy them all the time since I have a black thumb and kill everything I touch)
  • taken a vitamin (fiber doesn’t count)

things I haven’t done in 1 month:
  • painted my nails (my sister did that for me)
  • finished reading a paper book (hooray kindle!)
  • killed a mosquito with my electric racket
  • worn earrings in all my piercings (there aren’t that many…)

things I haven’t done in the past 2 days
  • taken a shower (eewwww)
  • brushed my hair
  • worn shoes (that’s right I wear flip flops to work)
To do: 

    Wednesday, November 10, 2010

    Oh yeah, you bet I did...

    I thought this one deserved a thing all of its own. That is a toilet in Japan. That armrest thing on the side is all kids of fun flushing/cleaning/sound barrier creating goodness that (while the plane was boarding) I had to play with. 

    Not only can you adjust pressure and volume, for those sushi loaded times of the day you can press the 'powerful deodorizer' 
    I did push it, and was disappointed that some fan just came on from somewhere in the bowl. I guess i was expecting more of a incense infusion to be released from above me. 

    In all I was dissapointed. The fart muffling flushing sound was obviously prerecorded and everyone would know exactly what was going on when you push it. I couldn't figure out how to easily stop it so i had to just turn down the volume really low. 

    The seat didn't have time to probably warm up and neither did the water. Making it a rather chilly spray. I will say this, that toilet's aim is dead on...and that's all I'll say.

    I still have never used a bidet and i didn't want my first one to be in a Japanese airport. I still don't know how those things work and seems like I'd waste more tp drying off than would be used normally. With all the paper we're saving using computers and kindles and email and ipads I'm sure there's plenty of paper to go around.

    uninteresting things part 2

    I made a photo album of things around the apartment. Uninteresting things that I’ve found that for some reason seem worthy of a kodak moment.
    I used Microsoft this time for this album, only because my picasa album for this account is almost full.
    We’ll see how this goes. If I don’t like it, I’ll use one of my other ten gmail accounts and upload millions of pictures.
    I’ll also go look around find more of these things. 
    Hope this time it actually works.

    Monday, November 8, 2010

    so many themes, or way too much time on my hands

    how do you like this one? Sick at home in bed and queasy on all the pills I'm taking at least I have themes and templates to play with.

    And Diana, thank you for your creative and contructive suggestion that was taken into consideration and after hours of trying to find the stupid thing to change it, was put into action.

    anything else you'd like?

    Sunday, November 7, 2010

    Why mom shouldn’t do things…

    Dad says things that still surprise me but mom does things that surprise me. 
    Mom likes birds. She had a bird for awhile and carried it everywhere. It ate her hair and crapped on everyone’s shoes and laid eggs in the most unreachable places that we would discover weeks later. It was supposed to learn how to ‘talk’ but only learned one whistle. 
    One whistle that it used only while we were watching TV. Or trying to talk on the phone, or anything that didn’t require birds whistling.
    It probably never liked me because I would chase it around the house with whatever was handy; a broom, vacuum, my shoe covered in bird crap.
    So mom shouldn’t be allowed to have birds in the house. Fair enough. 
    So now she has bird feeders outside the door. Right outside the door. Like you can’t exit the patio door without hitting your face in birdseed. Occasionally the birds will fly into the door and create a pleasing thump but that’s where my joy from them ends. Until a hording predatory evil comes crawling up.

    When mom sees squirrels get out of hand she knows how to deal. My mom takes my little Red Ryder BB gun that I got for Christmas with instructions not to shoot my eye out, and she shoots squirrels that don’t obey the law of the land. 
    I don’t think she should be allowed to shoot squirrels but since its only a bb gun and its like ten years old and I used to shoot siblings with it it can’t be all that bad. 
    I have it on good authority that she shouldn’t be allowed to have email either. She probably wouldn’t help out the prince of Nigeria but she would update her password and confirm account numbers and email it off to the ‘bank’ to which she doesn’t even have an account with.

    this is for you mom! Not quite what dad had in mind but i'm working on it! There's a bowie knife in there!

    Thursday, November 4, 2010

    uninteresting things part 1

    For the members of the fam that didn't get the link the first time, or that want to see it again. These were the boring things I found around the place or things I'd been up to around a year ago.


    Tuesday, November 2, 2010

    I try to kill things a lot, but it doesn’t work

    I made the mistake of clapping out of existence a tiny little gnat like bug flying around my screen. of course, opening my hands reveled the crushed little body and then it promptly fell into my keyboard and disappeared.
    From my bed I’ve successfully squashed what I thought were a few of these things but could actually be the same one since I never found the miniscule remains anywhere.
    So either there is some rotting fruit somewhere in my room or one lucky bug.
    but not anymore.
    And I don’t want to touch any number keys from this day forward.
    And now there is another one. mocking me.

    Wednesday, October 27, 2010


    Dad mentioned to both my and my sister's boyfriends at the time his fabulous business idea, Youth-enasia. It goes a little something like this:
    • Your old and decrepit dog is ready for that shiny cold pinch of death from the vet
    • You want to spare your child the agony of losing a pet but you can’t bring your sorry self to lie to them

    A little later my sister’s boyfriend became her husband, he does have access to a few large SUV’s that might get the startup job done.
    Our dog (RIP) died not too long ago…I’m still waiting for the Youth-anasia team to come and drop him off, good as new and ten years younger.

    Tuesday, October 26, 2010

    Dad really says these things…

    He doesn’t really look like Carl but we like to think he does

    • dad suggested today that proper nasal douching will decrease my stuffed/runny nose problems in any country.

    He actually said sticking my head in salt water and inhaling, but not too much. Then decided that would be a bad idea and could easily go wrong. So I should just stick with squeezing a few sprays in each nostril like five times a day. To clear out anything that could possibly be up there. I added the douching part. He didn’t like that.

    • This conversation ended when mom brought for some reason how he wants to be disposed of when he dies; rolled out on the curb for the trash to come collect.

    He neglects to think how straining emotionally, criminally, and physically this will be for his family. But who can ignore dying wishes?

    • I had a friend come over and ask if they may use the restroom, and dad answered ‘no, but there are bushes out in the back.”

    He claims to not remember this one and then will only admit he was making a joke. I’m not so dense as to think he really wanted my friend to go outside and do their business, it was obviously a joke. I thought it was funny, why not just admit it?

    • Mom also said something, but I can’t remember what it was.

    I’m sure she wanted to be quoted as saying something intelligent t and cool and sassy and such, but I can’t remember what she said.

    ps: I’m purposely not making any drawings for this. To find any joy you’re just going to have to read. And use your imagination. Because I really can’t come up with anything.

    Ideas would be welcome…

    Sunday, October 24, 2010

    its my birfday…

    It took this long, but finally someone came through.  I hate horses and wish them ill most times, but I figured if other people have one why not me?



    All I ask for every year for my birthday is a pony.I just want a little fat pony that I can play with and braid its mane. We’d do fun stuff together and every year I’d get  a new one because I imagine I’d still ask for one out of habit.

    Well I finally got most of my wish! Although it will never take me to get the mail and go to school and eat all the food I don’t like and provide free compost for all of its life. I did get my own little pony.


    Thank you Keela for rocking most awesomely!

    Please stop scaring me chuck!

    So apart from shopping all over the place and feeling very fashionable, due to my ride having to go to the birthday of a niece I ended my night at that magical black hole called Chuck E Cheese's.

    that place has both delighted and scared the crap out of me ever since I was a kid. 

    I was one of those kids too scared to jump up on stage and rock out with those mechanical contraptions that would spring to life when you least expected it.
    One thing I was terribly disappointed in was the lack of a ball pit. That was the fun part; diving down, finding loose change and old socks. Random ball fights around the whole arcade. 
    I don't know how we didn't get multiple diseases or how one would even clean a pit full of plastic spit covered balls or those hamster tubes that kids ran around in that finally ended in a pee covered slide. 
    I'm not kidding, I watched a little boy pee down the slide before sliding down himself into the arms of his waiting mom. She scooped him up and whisked him away before being made to clean up after her demon child. I was stuck. Forever. For what seemed like forever.
    I really don’t have much more to say, the food was mediocre, the lost children didn’t realize they were lost, and everyone looked sick and tired of the place as soon as they walked in.
    I don’t even want to try and make that funny. 

    Saturday, October 16, 2010

    sephora people....

    I really don't have much else to say....other than I spent way way wayyy too much on makeup that I will never end up using because I use makeup maybe twice a month...those people at sephora just don't know when to stop...
    but I did have an amazing time with my sister which hasn't happened in longer than I can remember...Daniel's Broiler for happy hour was the right way to end the day. Sadly we weren't the only lovely youngish things in there who thought so. Unfortuneatly for them we got to the piano table in the bar first and couldn't possibly be bothered to put our multiple shopping bags on the floor because, come on. It's the floor. So Miss redhead and Miss salt n' pepper were forced to squeeze in to the hump with their red wine and steak skewers.

    Mwhahaha. (Dr Evil laugh)
    she didn't actually spill her drink but we did take up most of the piano top where happy hour was happily taking place all around us. I guess we weren't the only ones who needed a 'ladies night Thursday outing'

    Monday, October 11, 2010

    i did it

    I made it. no customs line too long, no aisle too cramped, nothing could stop me from coming home. I listed my place of residence as USA (mistakenly) but if you asked me where home is, without pause or thought to what customs declaration actually considers where I reside it would be right here. Pacific time zone, rainy, drizzly, lovely moss covered WA. Only my allergies have started up, I can't breath out of my left nostril and my throat is killing me with all this dry cold air.

    but my offical place of residence  did cause some confusion and what must have looked like I'm hiding some massive bomb in my pocket because the nice popo at customs asked me how long I'd been in Taiwan and that being there for three years counts as living there, and asked me what i did for a living, and when i was getting married....and all kinds of other questions that I stumbled over and started sweating and switching stories and then ended up telling him all about how boyfriend's parents came to Seattle from Taiwan...

    I'm not joking, that's was actually one of the first things he asked, after asking who I was traveling with, how long we'd been together, and do I have any plans of tying the knot soon...

    So after that mortifying line of questioning, he got down to how long I'm planning on staying, do i have any food and how much cash I'm carrying. 

    Coming from a country where cash is the local currency...and credit is almost non existent (I get paid in cash, most places only take cash, and there are just now starting to be things like debit cards) I had a whole $2000 on me. Only thats about $30 US. So when I told him I had two grand, he was doing the math in his head and coming out with insane sums of money. I corrected him and explained it was Taiwan money not US, almost had to take out the wallet and show him from the look he gave me. Do I really look like I travel around with thousands of dollars in cash on me? 

    but now I'm home.

    Monday, October 4, 2010

    toys and torture of my youth pt 3

    Holy Sardines, its Popples. If you were alive in the 80's here's one of the cartoons/toys that you've probably drowned out of your memory with the sounds of  Pop Rocks and snap bracelets and New Kids on the block.
    But before pubescence there were bouncing unidentified dog,cat,bear, kangaroo, lion, meerkat...thing.

    The one thing I remember about my rocker popple that made me cry on a regular basis was how hard it was to stuff inside its Quasimodo back hump pouch foreskin thing.


    How I feel about going home!

    How I will feel about leaving home: 

    Sunday, October 3, 2010

    things i'd rather be doing than packing

    1. I'd much rather be playing the newest bestest update expansion pack to the latest video games that I'm currently just about sick of playing.

    2. I'd rather eat the leftover from the fridge (which will have to be thrown out anyways, be it today, or three weeks from now after I get back from vacation).

    3. I'd rather be making helpful to do lists, creating a crafty plan of attack on my sock drawer and other trouble packing areas.

    4 I would really really rather find some projectile object to launch at the neighborhood alley cats who's have started their screaming matches all hours of the night. The acoustics in that alley are amazing, I'm five flights up and they still sound crisp and agonizing.

    5. I'd rather be getting a massage from the Thai massage place down the street. My neck hurts from sticking it out the window and screaming back at local cats to shut up.

    I'd rather be making funny terrible photoshop pictures for this but I'm packing now.

    Sunday, September 26, 2010

    How you know you're grown up...almost

     1. When furniture shopping isn't boring anymore.

    2. When you buy other 'adult' things, like light bulbs and toothpaste and shoelaces and air freshener. 

    3. When your stuff is actually yours! (When mom and dad stop 'letting you use things' ) Like luggage and cable TV.
    4. When 'young people' annoy you. Teenagers suck so bad! I don't understand skinny jeans on dudes, I really don't. 

    5. Your cuteness and charm doesn't' work like it used to...


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