Saturday, March 31, 2012

children in zombie movies= superfluous

I believe a fellow friend of mine and a supreme movie buff agree on this. Children have no place in post zombie epidemic world especially when it comes to surviving those first few months. They not only have no defensive skills (shooting things on xbox doesn't count as training) and they take up resources that could otherwise be used to protecting more valuable members of your newly formed survival tribe of ass-kickers, breeders, and assorted professionals.

The Leader
The Dr.
The Teacher

 Don't get me wrong, the world needs kids more than ever after wiping out most of the population. They just need to come along after zombie proof fortresses have been fortified and everyone has had a few months of zombie eradication training.

Spoiler Alert (but who didn't see it coming anyways)

Annoying child #1 Sophia from Walking Dead 

Sophia (the kid that wandered away after being told to stay put, who got lost after being found and again wandered away after being told to stay put, and then got zombified after people wasted time and energy on looking for her) is an excellent example of a kid that just had it coming. Superfluous to both the plot and zombieland in general I was happy she was taken out of the story, why did it have to take so freaking long though? We all knew she was long gone, it was just a matter of finding mutilated remains or infected walking corpse. No teddy bear-toting rainbow shirt-wearing pre-teen who is in charge of washing clothes is really worth a week's worth of searching for. I am glad there is closure, and she finally got the bullet in the head she was destined for.

Annoying Child #2 ? from Walking dead

The Cop's son ( I even forget his name, that's how much I find him useless) not only wanders off, but never responds to his name. His mom calls, his dad calls, everyone freaking calls his name and he's never within earshot of someone with a gun. That right there is in direct opposition to survival of the fittest; you know how much time is spent wasted on looking for this useless kid?

No one bothers to teach him how to shoot, his mom does everything to keep him 'safe' and not 'jaded to violence' while people are ripped to shreds and rotting in front of him.

He opens cars doors with bodies inside, he loses himself in the woods and pokes zombies with sticks, he steals guns and doesn't use them directly resulting in the death of a valuable member of the team...I mean kid who goes looking for trouble vs. mechanic...the choice is obvious.

Solution: children who annoy you = zombie bait

Simply tell little Carl (that's that crappy kid's name!) to "Stay where you are..." hide yourself behind a tree/car/anything and wait and watch while little Carl get's distracted by something shiny or has to pee or just decides that you've been gone long enough and will go look for you armed with a stick or a piece of glass and let him lead away any hidden zombies that seem to pop up out of no where even in areas that have been cleared before.

I'd imagine child zombies are easier to kill; less force needed to sever spinal cord, shorter reach and less penetrating bite.

Awesome Children 

child #1 little rock from Zombieland

Not only was she capable of defending herself, she has mastered the art of manipulation and has no qualms about leaving other people for dead, she isn't burdened by any mother whose efforts to keep her safe include getting her shot (like Carl) or getting someone else eaten (like Carl).

child #2 Hannah from 28 Days Later

While not useful in a defensive sense, she makes an effective pack mule and has nothing to lose. She even magically learns to drive a car and provide means of escape from mansion of not safety. I suppose being tall enough to reach gas pedals can make you somewhat of an asset in a drive-like-the-wind kind of situation.

 This has been brought to you by gerber anti-zombie weapons and an extreme annoyance with Walking Dead. Specifically the end of season 1 and the beginning of season 2.

I know I missed some more useless kids and even a few useful ones. Can you think of any? I'd love to illustrate more zombie attacks on the underage!

1 comment:

  1. I laughed when I got to 'teacher'! Thanks, Dad


So...what did you think?


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