no, you can't have my shoes

You can't even borrow my shoes. I am getting to be a mean old lady. And I'm not even that old or a lady. But I have no patience when it comes to Filipino shenanigans or come on's. When I go to the beach, I want a tan. And to pee in the water. And drink fruity beer and let it all hang out. But mostly tan and pee. So don't ask me to lend you my shoes because you were a dumb ass and forgot to being your own flip flops to the beach and are on some tour group outing and think you're the awesomest gift to lady kind because you style your hair and have fake Raybans.

After so many fruity beers your charms aren't so charming and your broken English is annoying and although your Chinese is clearly understandable...no, you can't borrow my ridiculously small sized flip flops to swim in the water because you didn't bring yours and have normal fake shoes from some night market in Taipei.
But thanks for asking.

Better luck next time.

Like when you worked your way over to the ladies sitting a few feet in front of us and talked them into letting you use some shoes while you tip toed around the water and left to get something to drink from 7-11. I'm sure Miss Second Choice Bigfoot got her shoes back eventually. I had a lovely time at the beach by the way.
Except for the jelly fish (or other stinging animal) that left horrible welts all over my legs. The next time I get myself in the ocean I will pee twice as much as a slap in the face to all the things that bite/sting/burn/touch me in the water.

things I won't miss about Taiwan2

3. things that bite me, especially things I can't see in the ocean. I think I'll go to the clinic tomorrow and figure this thing out.

4. No concept of personal space. Or privacy. At all.

That's my friend's head in the corner and those are the dudes who invaded our space.

this was how empty the rest of the beach was.

things i will not miss about taiwan

1. Lady purses on dudes. Not man purses, but seriously your mom's old purse on some 19 year old guy. If dudes are doing this back in the states...I'll still point and laugh just like I do here but only as long his purse isn't big enough to carry a gun.

2. Families in matching clothes. Like kindergarten kids, mom and dad wearing the same thing. If your clothes match your kids' clothes...wow. If you can't recognize your wife and kid in a crowd so you have to look down at what you're wearing and then find them...I can't even finish that sentence.

And then to top it off

Do you know what it's like to be woken up by scratching inside the wall? I do.

One can only hope.

that was horrifying

one of the worst things I've seen today was an octopus, a little one, being fried on a grill. Did you know their tentacles curl up  and  catch onto the bars. And their heads bubble as the juice inside boils out. And then they curl up like flowers. Like space alien flowers. It was not cool.

it really works kinda

i really love Burt's bees herbal insect repellent. the biggest deterrent i have from spending hours at the park reading are the myriad of insect life that bite me. anything from horse fly's to these little tiny black dots that bite and look like grains of black pepper. Those suckers hurt! That's why I like Burt's Bee's. Almost.
the great thing is that its oily, like made from four different kinds of oil. So I end up looking like I'm slathering on tanning oil and get a nice shade darker if stay out there long enough.

I almost like its insect repelling powers except for that it only lasts for five mins and about 4 cm. I lie there watching five or ten flying blood sucking insects from hell ready to pounce as soon as the sting of rosemary and lemongrass oil dissipates.  I love summer.

why speedos? why?

I don't understand why Taiwanese dudes are all about the speedo? If you see one of those around back home you automatically think, "huh, that dude must be European. Or getting paid to wear that. Or lost a bet."

Because no self respecting man walks around in public in the closest thing to women's panties he could possibly wear.

I've seen more than I ever wanted to of old dudes and 12 year olds with puberty problems at the swimming pool. These issues could all be avoided with swimming trunks or board shorts or even grass hula skirts.

Phase 3 nip, tuck and suck it in

I call this next part Just Plain old degrading

sure they have dozens of dresses from stuff your grandma would wear to stuff no one would wear. All colors and amount of frills, lace, flowers, and beads. What you don't see at first, not until you try it on is all the pit stains, ripped hems, makeup stains, and oddly positioned sewn in bra cups and of course the whole difference between you and the rest of the Taiwanese female population.

Asian

Me

I'm really not kidding...I'm not being mean and most people can't help it...but seriously I'm not kidding

Asian

Me

 These dresses are not made for anyone with a bust, hips or ass. What give these stick like creatures the lovely shape they crave in their pictures are the layers of tulle that puff out and look like hips, the bodice that is deliberately cut high up and straps shortened to give the illusion through the help of padding that you have chest. For me that means I have boob cups sitting on top of my boobs and massive hips.

instead of this..

Ok, maybe more like this...

it ends up looking more like this.

So I finally found my four dresses, the colors I liked and the cut that while not totally flattering does highlight assets. And if I hold the train just-so then it'll look great from the neck up. Just remember there are tons of different poses that will hide/highlight whatever needs to be, and there's always photoshop!

It's so cheesy but I love this dress, too bad its satin...:(

So I'll work with it, if I wanted designer dresses made in the last five years then I would have had to pay double, for what we're paying it'll do. There's a wedding dress too that looks alright, but I totally forget what it looks like. I guess I'll find out when I get there and remember.

Phase 4: Lights, camera, strike a pose.

maybe you can catch a wave

I totally forgot I took these pictures. Brace yourself, never know what could happen in two feet of water.

(I'm sure something is lost in translation, probably says stay out of the pond...but still)

taiwan wedding pitctures phase 2

I call this part: DON'T FREAKING SIGN ANYTHING UNTIL YOU KNOW HOW MUCH EVERYTHING COSTS!
We have chosen. Dreams have been dashed and tears have been cried and credit cards have been swiped.


From 3-5 dress changes
One black one white suit/tux for the dude
18-26 touched up pictures
one time hair and makeup application
18" album
2 mini albums
24" poster

That's what you get for around a thousand dollars, ranging from the cheapest places to the more expensive ones.
Here's what is not included...that won't be mentioned unless you're savvy enough to ask.

Car Rental: from $3000-8000 NT (taiwan money) ranging from 4-8 hours
Yeah, you want pictures of the city scape, the beach, the mountains or anywhere that's not walking distance you have to rent the car for the photographer and all his crap. So if you want the pictures they showed you in the album, be sure to ask where they were and how long to get there and if you have to pay any entrance fee's (like a private garden) or tolls.

Hair/Makeup lady to come with you and touch you up while you're on the road: $3000-5000 NT
Yeah, I wouldn't want to spend 4 hours in a car with a bride and groom either. But the hell I'm getting to the beach 3 hours away and taking pictures looking like I just spent 3 hours in a car. That lady's not leaving my side. And for that much she's going to be fanning me with palm fronds to keep me looking good.

Dude's ultra classy looking suit: $2000-4000 PER SUIT
They almost got us with this one. In Chi's words the suits that the studio offered free of charge were all "gay." They did have superfluous amounts of shininess and embroidered crap on them but overshadowing the gayness would the lack of a big enough suit.So the stuio works with a tux rental place but for some reason was reluctant to let us go over there (this place was around the corner) and see the styles and even more disturbing the lady wouldn't tell us the exact price.

I'd ask a straightforward question. "How much to rent the nicer 3 piece suit?"

I'd get a kind of an answer, "These suits are free" and she'd show us the brochure with the crappy looking suits, and we went to see their smelly closet of one size doesn't fit all frilly suits that Chi wasn't impressed with.

"No, these suits don't fit. How much to rent the nicer 3 piece suit that fits?"

"$2000NT maybe"

"Maybe?  Is that for one suit or both?"

"Lets sign the paper and then we can call and ask"

Let me take another moment to yet again praise Maggie for her ever so polite yet insistant skills.

Here Maggie insisted she be clear, and go call and ask before we do anything else. And then I insisted. And Chi just sat there probably think 'gay, super gay' in his head. So she called and asked and came back with a number. $3000.

So here we insisted that we go over to the tux rental shop which is around the corner and see what we're getting. She wanted us to sign again. Ain't happening!

So we walk over to the tux rental place after much insisting and sit down and wait for awhile as the photo lady explains to the suit lady who we are and probably says something about how we're the people who have been making her life hell for the past four hours.

So Chi gets fitted and finds some more gay suits, then tries to explain the difference between a suit and a tuxedo and that he doesn't want to look like he works at a bank or like Jiminy Cricket. (They totally had one of those jackets too!)

Both ladies insist he try things on and then decide, again skirting the question of how much everything is going to cost. A few tux's later we finally get the price of $8000 for both.
That's not $2000, that's not even $2000 for one suit. By this time the lady we've been talking to had to go back to the studio and sent one of her dress fitter lackey's to finish up with us.

My jaw sufficiently dropped, Chi's eyes obviously rolled and Maggie so convincingly almost falling out of her seat we not so calmly explained that was out of our price range, not what was offered to us and our reasons for choosing this place were growing smaller and smaller.

After must discussion and whispering and Taiwanese (they started speaking Taiwanese after they found out Chi can speak Chinese) they finally lowered the price to $3500 for both tux's. Still more than what we were told but at least we hadn't signed our life away before we knew what we were getting into.

We have been assured that NOW there aren't any more hidden fee's or extra charges for nail polish or for gas or eyebrow tweezing or white shoes to go with the white tux.

We'll see, its all written down on paper now though.

Next to come, the fitting and dress selection.

Kindle Fire - exactly what I think i want

Kindle Fire - Full Color 7" Multi-Touch Display with Wi-Fi - More than a Tablet:

I'm trying to justify why this would make an awesome holiday gift from myself to myself. But when would I ever use it?

A: all the time just for the hell of it, to show people that it's not an ipad

Sure, but what would I do with it? I mean I already have an mp3 player, a normal Kindle, and a tv.

A: download free graphic novels, watch old Southpark episodes

Ok but it doesn't have 3g so it's not like I can check email or play a game, so is it really worth it?

A: well, people have ipad's don't they? I mean aren't those just as pointless? And Amazon has streaming shows, netflix, hulu and that cloud thing where I can keep all my stuff.

Yes, but none of that works in Taiwan.

A: lame.

just a few moleskine thoughts, and i've been reading a lot

my photoshop isn't working so no pictures :(

but in other news:




in case you hadn't noticed i was like 20 books behind on my reading goal for the year. I haven't killed zombies, drank wine, watched House or even opened this blog because I was all up in my Kindle getting it done. I think I can make it, given that I have to read 20 more books before the end of Dec, and that I have a whole list of 100 page books I can choose from.
Congrats to me!

And for everyone else, here are some random smatterings from my little observations otherwise known as 'things that either pissed me off or were interesting enough that I took the time to write down while taking the mrt back home'


2/28- Fat lady smelled like ham and cheese<-- i was probably pretty happy about that one
       - people walked in front of an ambulance in front of the hospital, woman gave me a look for waiting<--the crosswalk in in front of the emergency room entrance, I wait until the ambulance pulls in before crossing and the person behind me has to walk around me, turn around, give me a look and just so happened to be in the middle of the road with an ambulance trying to get into the hospital. 


5/5/11- Don't try and open eyes while still wearing sleep mask, esp one with towel like lining<-- that must not have felt too good.


2/25- Confession: I don't like little kids singing

love hate relationship

so tragedy struck my life not too long ago. I was heartbroken, devastated, and yes...even shed a few tears. I killed it. I killed my Kindle. My connection to the English written word (at reasonable and sometimes discounted prices) was ripped away from me with an heart rending crack.

And that was the end.

Until I cried to Chi and he bought me a new one and had it shipped to Taiwan.

 

so then I email Amazon to see what can be done with broken Kindle.  They email back that I have to call them, because dealing with people internationally over the phone always solves problems. 

So because Taiwan isn't on their list of 'we'll call you' country's I have to call them. So I call them and talked to someone with an accent. Of course they could still have been in America, but I'm guessing not. So 'Sebastian' said they would replace the broken one for $65 and they could ship it here. Awesome! He had to fill out some forms and had me wait on hold for 10 mins.

So I re confirmed the shipping address, and billing address. But I guess it wasn't enough. I get an email from 'Maneh' that my Kindle had been shipped, and I would be charged $168. They said I'd get a $86 refund leaving me to pay $82. Not awesome. 

So there's no way to 'reply' to their email, there's only a 'did I answer your question yes or no' button. So I said ' no' and politely said I'm not paying a $53 'service fee' and whatever extra charges they feel I have incurred. I said I'd pay for shipping, but this was ridiculous.

I got another email back from 'Mehnaaz' that said they 'reviewed previous correspondence' and that I would only be charged $65. Mega Awesome! 

Only then did I notice the billing address was wrong, like way wrong. Like it was in Chi's name and the address in Taiwan. Ultra not awesome. 

Again, 'no, my question wasn't answered' and another polite message explaining that there was a 'misunderstanding' and what the correct billing address should be. 

I got an email from Mohhamet or whatever saying they were really sorry and that it was kinda already sent out, so there wasn't anything they could do, and that unless my bank actually checks it was all good. 

hmmm.

So in the end...Ultra Mega Awesome!

Until UPS Taiwan stepped in and I get all these 'non government customs hold' and 'waiting for clearance' and have fax three different documents because the first two times they sent the wrong forms for me to sign and they gave me like five different fax numbers.  Here are they things I had to fax over to three different numbers.

So I my bank and amazon are cool because they do what they say they're going to do and get back to me quickly. 

UPS sucks because they can't get their story straight whether it be in Chinese or English. And I will have two Kindles. When it finally arrives. If some clearing house lets it get through Taiwan's stringent electronic embargo or whatever the hell is going on in their heads. 

customer service huh?

Nothing much has been happening. I mean, if something interesting had happened worth drawing a crappy photoshop picture of....like maybe this....

(pic of nanny holding kid up to take a shit by the pond, oh yeah, this really happened yesterday in front of me)


then I would have found the motivation to not go to the gym and sit around watching old seasons of The Office and spend hours photoshopping stuff. 


but something I did do was look for jobs. And I was surprised. For all the economic downturn I've been hearing about and all the reluctance to go back to the states I saw a lot of places hiring. Nothing that I'm qualified for but there are still jobs out there. 


As I looked in the field where I now (unfortunately) have the most experience I found something interesting. 


There are some educational jobs out there that don't require any kind of degree in education, all you need is to pass a background check and have a card that says you remember how to do cpr. Or, in some cases involving 'at risk adolecent girls' you need neither of those things.


I happen to like this one: 


Virginia Miler House has immediate openings on GRAVEYARD shift for high energy, enthusiastic, bright and engaging individuals to add to our committed team of professionals.

Those who have the most success with VMH have an optimistic attitude towards learning, good inter-personal skills, patience, thick skin, and a strong desire to model appropriate behavior. 

(apparently my desire is good enough)
 
Positions are (up to 40 hours per week)Swing, graveyard, and on call as Residential Counselors
 
Virginia Miller House is a 24 hour Staffed Residential Program that serves at-risk adolescent girls.

BA degree or higher (May consider 2+ years experience)  (experience in dealing with teenage girls who might be in serious need of professional counseling...who needs a degree for that?) 

Provide direct care and supervision to adolescents in residential setting. Must have effective written and verbal communication skills, reliable, excellent driving record, resident of Washington State for 3 plus years, and flexibility to work nights, weekends, birthdays & holidays. 

So as long as you have no other family, and no one else to spend your birthday with...you're a fit...kinda.
 

what is this?

I've looked online, and what I bought doesn't really exist i guess.