gets on my nerves

An ode to all the places here with terrible service. At the moment I can only think of two. But those two will forever stand out in my mind and be the standard on which I judge all places that suck at service.

The Diner: wonderful bacon and decent burgers, if you're hungry for breakfast...like real American style eggs, toast, sausage, the little thing of jelly that's never enough...then the Diner is a perfect place to go. But only go if you're feeling hungry two hours from now. The wait isn't that long, Taiwanese people usually just sit around their finished food talking (and by talking I mean tweeting with the person across the table) for about two hours. So I guess the staff is used to just ignoring tables for hours on end. 

I guess it's a cultural thing but when I go to to a diner I would rather eat then play on my phone and have my food still hot when it's served to me. The staff there is adept at looking the other way when you try your best to look ready to order. I have found that they will respond to the taxi hail about half the time. That requires one of them to look in your direction as you're frantically waving. What you really need to do is snap your fingers, then at least they have no excuse because you're obviously trying to get attention by both sight and sound. Of course there is the dropping my empty water glass on the floor method which is the surest way to get someone to come over. At least they don't run out of food.

OnTap: A lovely British pub with towers of draft beer and football games on tv, this place has xbox kinect and a giant connect four to play with along with darts and jenga and alright food. I did get food poisoning after eating a Ceaser salad and drinking a lot of beer there one time but other than that...good burgers and nice music. But again, don't expect a drink anytime soon, best to arrive already double-fisting two beers from 7-11 while you wait for their staff to notice you (they even have a foreigner working there so you KNOW she's not afraid to practice her English). In fact it was that same employee who chased us outside and asked if we paid our bill. We totally cancelled our order before the drinks were poured, it was wasn't until we asked to cancel it did the bartender actually start to pour them and the waitress rushed to put the order in and print our tab. And then we got a reluctant ok to go from our waitress while miss too busy talking to her friends to take our order in the first place runs out after us. Of course I won't be going back there anytime soon, at least until I dye my hair another color and lose 30 lbs and reconstruct my nose. 

I understand why they don't tip here. 

things I won't miss about Taiwan2

3. things that bite me, especially things I can't see in the ocean. I think I'll go to the clinic tomorrow and figure this thing out.

4. No concept of personal space. Or privacy. At all.

That's my friend's head in the corner and those are the dudes who invaded our space.

this was how empty the rest of the beach was.

things i will not miss about taiwan

1. Lady purses on dudes. Not man purses, but seriously your mom's old purse on some 19 year old guy. If dudes are doing this back in the states...I'll still point and laugh just like I do here but only as long his purse isn't big enough to carry a gun.

2. Families in matching clothes. Like kindergarten kids, mom and dad wearing the same thing. If your clothes match your kids' clothes...wow. If you can't recognize your wife and kid in a crowd so you have to look down at what you're wearing and then find them...I can't even finish that sentence.

taiwan wedding pitctures phase 2

I call this part: DON'T FREAKING SIGN ANYTHING UNTIL YOU KNOW HOW MUCH EVERYTHING COSTS!
We have chosen. Dreams have been dashed and tears have been cried and credit cards have been swiped.


From 3-5 dress changes
One black one white suit/tux for the dude
18-26 touched up pictures
one time hair and makeup application
18" album
2 mini albums
24" poster

That's what you get for around a thousand dollars, ranging from the cheapest places to the more expensive ones.
Here's what is not included...that won't be mentioned unless you're savvy enough to ask.

Car Rental: from $3000-8000 NT (taiwan money) ranging from 4-8 hours
Yeah, you want pictures of the city scape, the beach, the mountains or anywhere that's not walking distance you have to rent the car for the photographer and all his crap. So if you want the pictures they showed you in the album, be sure to ask where they were and how long to get there and if you have to pay any entrance fee's (like a private garden) or tolls.

Hair/Makeup lady to come with you and touch you up while you're on the road: $3000-5000 NT
Yeah, I wouldn't want to spend 4 hours in a car with a bride and groom either. But the hell I'm getting to the beach 3 hours away and taking pictures looking like I just spent 3 hours in a car. That lady's not leaving my side. And for that much she's going to be fanning me with palm fronds to keep me looking good.

Dude's ultra classy looking suit: $2000-4000 PER SUIT
They almost got us with this one. In Chi's words the suits that the studio offered free of charge were all "gay." They did have superfluous amounts of shininess and embroidered crap on them but overshadowing the gayness would the lack of a big enough suit.So the stuio works with a tux rental place but for some reason was reluctant to let us go over there (this place was around the corner) and see the styles and even more disturbing the lady wouldn't tell us the exact price.

I'd ask a straightforward question. "How much to rent the nicer 3 piece suit?"

I'd get a kind of an answer, "These suits are free" and she'd show us the brochure with the crappy looking suits, and we went to see their smelly closet of one size doesn't fit all frilly suits that Chi wasn't impressed with.

"No, these suits don't fit. How much to rent the nicer 3 piece suit that fits?"

"$2000NT maybe"

"Maybe?  Is that for one suit or both?"

"Lets sign the paper and then we can call and ask"

Let me take another moment to yet again praise Maggie for her ever so polite yet insistant skills.

Here Maggie insisted she be clear, and go call and ask before we do anything else. And then I insisted. And Chi just sat there probably think 'gay, super gay' in his head. So she called and asked and came back with a number. $3000.

So here we insisted that we go over to the tux rental shop which is around the corner and see what we're getting. She wanted us to sign again. Ain't happening!

So we walk over to the tux rental place after much insisting and sit down and wait for awhile as the photo lady explains to the suit lady who we are and probably says something about how we're the people who have been making her life hell for the past four hours.

So Chi gets fitted and finds some more gay suits, then tries to explain the difference between a suit and a tuxedo and that he doesn't want to look like he works at a bank or like Jiminy Cricket. (They totally had one of those jackets too!)

Both ladies insist he try things on and then decide, again skirting the question of how much everything is going to cost. A few tux's later we finally get the price of $8000 for both.
That's not $2000, that's not even $2000 for one suit. By this time the lady we've been talking to had to go back to the studio and sent one of her dress fitter lackey's to finish up with us.

My jaw sufficiently dropped, Chi's eyes obviously rolled and Maggie so convincingly almost falling out of her seat we not so calmly explained that was out of our price range, not what was offered to us and our reasons for choosing this place were growing smaller and smaller.

After must discussion and whispering and Taiwanese (they started speaking Taiwanese after they found out Chi can speak Chinese) they finally lowered the price to $3500 for both tux's. Still more than what we were told but at least we hadn't signed our life away before we knew what we were getting into.

We have been assured that NOW there aren't any more hidden fee's or extra charges for nail polish or for gas or eyebrow tweezing or white shoes to go with the white tux.

We'll see, its all written down on paper now though.

Next to come, the fitting and dress selection.

taiwan wedding pictures phase 1

So fiancee Chi really wanted to get the Asian Pre Wedding pictures done here in Taiwan. Because there is no actual wedding ceremony just a big ass reception here couples will spend thousands of dollars on a photo studio to take them around and do hair, makeup, extreme photoshopping in total wedding gear.


I suppose since they don't pay for a wedding ceremony and ask for cash to cover the cost of the wedding banquet/reception thing, these photo's are like the other major expense.


So of course we have to do it. And we're going to do it on the cheap because I won't have a job at the end of this year and I still need to buy my plane ticket home.

This grueling process I like to call The Gauntlet.


There are several streets which feature wedding photo studios/dress rentals ranging from upscale Dunhua Rd ones to more moderate AiGuo Rd. Starting at the top of moderate road my fearless and unrelenting companion/translator/most awesome co-teacher ever Maggie and I made our way from studio to studio getting acquainted with hidden costs, dress selection and extra add-ons no one in their life would ever need.
Ok maybe some people need a 60" poster of themselves, but I'm not one of them.


These places might have some flashy shiny greasy sweaty looking person outside trying to sweet talk you into the store to take a look and have a heartwarming/irritating grasp of just enough English to establish when is your wedding date and you have to take a look because you're so pretty.


I'm pretty darn good at ignoring people I don't want to talk to, even when they're talking right to me. (Chi calls it being rude) But I had my skills tested walking down this road. It's one thing in Thailand where everyone's trying to sell you a cheap suit or a dvd or a curry dinner with a lap dance included but to be smiled at, asked your age, wedding date, where you're from, if you want romantic pictures or cute pictures, that they have dresses in AMERICAN SIZES (because yes I am a giant in a land of tiny people). It was almost too much.

old school drawings, not even messed up perspective can stop these dudes!

Don't be dissuaded by any amount of greasiness or sweat, walk straight up to the door because the people you want to talk with are sitting inside in the AC, polishing their ipad's and checking their breath because they're about to whisper in your ear about a special deal just for you only. Once they sit you down, shove some tea in a paper cup at you and set you up with a photo album to look through you get your game face on for the next part.

so he didn't really have a silver suit on, but it sure was shiny

This next part I shall call: Song and Dance


Like any good salesmen knows the time honored technique of 'have the potential client look at everything first and avoid answering questions like 'how much does that cost' until the person has looked at everything, has forgotten why they even came here and will hopefully sign whatever you put in front of them just so they can get up and use the bathroom because they've been drinking tea non stop since sitting down' is the preferred method of more established and pricey places.


I know enough Chinese to understand "Wait and we'll discuss price later" And enough to say "This is my budget, what can you give me" Most of the places we went to had packages that I would be able to afford the trick was getting a good deal on the amount of stuff I was going to get and to find all those little hidden extras. For this, you need a superhero Taiwanese person who isn't too nice to laugh in the salesperson's face at an offer so ludicrous. Enter Maggie.
Maggie is a bargaining wonder machine. Everything, no matter how much, was too expensive. Thus prompting managers to be called, extra crap I don't need shaved off, and prices dropped.


These Studios will offer banquet day dress rentals, hair and makeup, save the dates, thank you cards, bookmarks, t-shirts, mugs and all other souvenir for your apparently better than Disneyland wedding reception/banquet.


No thanks. I just need the big album, a couple of smaller ones for the family, ok maybe the poster sized picture just for fun and a full on beauty makeover that will include accompanying makeup artist to all photo locations. Not too much to ask for right?

a little surprise today

nothing much had been happening lately. No dreams worth mentioning, no pedestrian fashion disasters to report, the students are just trying to get through lessons as painlessly as possible and survive their midterms. 

Although today was immensely more amusing than yesterday. Wednesdays can be painful and are the main source of my stress and parental complaints or they can be a hump day treat. 

Today the older class had little situations to act out pertinent to the unit and came up with some good stuff. From dragging another classmate to donate blood to a heart wrenching display of helping the elderly. The girl playing the old woman found a way to die after listening to the story that was read to her. 

So that was in the afternoon, in the evening were the smaller, younger class. These 2nd graders aren't too bad, there's only a few lost causes. Most of them are quiet smart. There are two kids who still piss themselves occasionally but it hasn't happened in awhile. I thought we were past it. 

Well, while the kids were standing around the back of the classroom waiting for my co teacher to check some of their work when I notice the students in the back are pointing to something on the floor. 

Mr. Pee pants is standing in the center of the general pointing and being confused circle so I walk to the back of the classroom and see what's up. 

And there on the floor are three little poo piles. A few crumbs and a nice glob are in front of the co teachers desk. The girls standing next to the culprit ask what is that. I swear I didn't know at first. Because this would be the first time I've sighted crap on the floor of classroom that wasn't swarming with kindergarten kids still getting the hang of potty training. 

So he just stands there while I send the rest of the class out and give them some candy so hopefully they'll have forgotten about it before they go home and tell their parents. 

A few other chinese staff members come up and help clean up. You'd think a school would have proper poop picking up equipment, not paper towels, a plastic bag and a spray bottle of alcohol.

The only dude co teacher who works at the branch tried to get Mr. Hankey as I shall now call him to admit it but that kid still just stood there in the middle of his own mess and didn't say anything. Didn't even cry or help clean up or say anything. 

The bell rang and the kids were back in their seats after the break and my co teacher informed me that she had actually seen Mr. Hankey drop a few, I had to run outside the classroom and ended up with a stitch in my side from laughing so hard. 

We decided to pretend the whole thing didn't happen and not tell the kids to not make fun of anyone who just happened to make a deposit on the floor. Although for the rest of the class I was reluctant to touch anything that came from the vicinity of Mr. Hankey's chair.

And then of course on the way out he left a few more drops in the hallway. This was totally better than yesterday when nothing really happened.

too sunburned to write, even my brain feels fried

But now i'm finally peeling. I've been to the beach more often in the past two weeks than I have in two years. Who knew it was just a 2 hour train ride away? Awesome.

But now there's sand everywhere in my room and and how the hell do you get sound out of the lining of your bikini? I've given up on that one.

And it's been two months since I did something to my hair. I'm trying to think of something subversive enough to not have to do all the marketing talking to parents open house type stuff yet not too crazy to have parents calling and complaining (which they freaking do, we should stop giving them the corporate office number).

I'll think of something.

Did you know they made an Anaconda 4?  in 2009? Why do people still watch that crap? There are equally crappy movies that have nothing to do with snakes that they could be watching. Like giant alligator/crocodile  matchups with the late David Carridine pretending to be sober enough to act.:

Dinocroc vs. Supergator

but seriously, don't see that movie. Instead send me an email and tell me what to write about. When I was sure I was coming home in Dec all I could think about was stuff from back home. Now that it's not happening I'm back in Taipei comatose mode. Now I all I think about is the next three day weekend and playing Fallout 3 again with bad karma this time.

Would you believe my English is getting worse? I catch myself talking like my students do and it takes me a minute to figure out what I was trying to say before it came out all chinglish. Even Chi doesn't talk about anything other than work now.

And I'm 13 books behind on my reading goal for 2011. I'm just not enthralled with anything I'm reading right now. Although I'm liking this prison break book Papillon which I borrowed and swear I will return it eventually.

i had to promise

So, the question was
1. Which do you ignore the most?
a. your homework                     b. the tv                          c. your parents

and most of the students picked a, of course. And then little Elaine timidly raises her hand, and asked "You're not going to tell my parents are you? Don't tell my parents..." and tells the whole class she ignores her folks the most.
Precious.
Of course anyone with a cellphone in the class threatens to call her mom and I can't help being highly amused.
I'll just gloss over the fact that the majority of the class just admitted to basically faking it on all their homework and writing it a few mins before class.
Oh well. At least they told it to me in English.

the biggest snail i ever saw...i swear I'll update this post later

i saw the biggest snail i have ever seen in my life and of course i didn't have my camera. I was walking to the supermarket during class to buy some of my students ice cream that I had forgotten I promised them months ago. Of course they remembered so while they were enjoying movie day I snuck off across the street to find cheap ice cream. In the rain.
And the rain in Taipei brings out all kinds of life I never see on the sunny humid want to die in a puddle of your own sweat kind of days.
first there are the mosquito that congregate outside my front door in the stairwell of my apartment. By the time I finish with my electric racquet there's a pungent electrified bug smell wafting down four flights of stairs.

then there are the snails. I've seen some slugs in Washington, I've even stepped on a few to my ultimate horror. Think banana peel .... Although the worst thing I've ever stepped in would by own shoe...squirming inside with live maggot things that had crawled in during the night. How was I supposed to know there was a practical reason the local aboriginal people of some mountain town all wore flip flops and fake Crocs and that my sneakers were fair game for egg laying insects everywhere. They had just slaughtered a goat the night before, maybe I should have taken my shoes inside.
Anyways WA slugs have nothing on Taiwanese snails. First off, its a freaking snail, there's no way you're accidentally stepping on one of those suckers without noticing right away.

I've had too many beers to draw something adequately squishy and monstrously sized not to mention show maggots and singed mosquito death but I will leave everyone with this odd picture and I promise I'll revisit this snail thing when I feel more steady handed...

chicken from the supermarket, with head and feet

no flash photography?

I don't understand a lot of things. Here's one of them: the zoo. 


It is an awesome and arduous place where you can take a pleasant stroll in scorching weather and take refuge in the air conditioned nocturnal animals house...

eat disgusting junk food flavored with the natural aroma of hundreds of animals pooping...

and of course see a plethora of animals in lovely man made habits mimicking the natural environments they once called home...

Now with all of these things we can enjoy at the zoo, why would they restrict the most basic of 21century social networking right, the right to take a pretty picture with flash?


I mean, Chi's hamster has spent most of its life in front of lights of some kind, and its just fine. 

How would a little flash kill a panda that's just sleeping anyways?

I'm mystified as usual.

update

Blister popped by Chi, he got splattered with high velocity pus, and it was gross. He was not amused.


end of update.


oh yeah, and this happened. 

those crazy antisemitic 6 year olds can't spell 'are!'

just a few thoughts

i have that older class of junior high school kids on Saturdays. today we read an article about rock and roll fantasy camp. Oh yes, for only thousands of dollars, you can pretend to rock out with aging rock stars. I asked the students who their favorite rock star was. They asked me what rock and roll was. I couldn't really say.