He's got the right idea

play basketball, swim, watch tv, eat ice cream, sit under the AC, draw pictures and...

Yup, that's right! Who wears clothes at home anyways? It's summer!

 And that's not how you spell teakettle.

things i will not miss about taiwan

1. Lady purses on dudes. Not man purses, but seriously your mom's old purse on some 19 year old guy. If dudes are doing this back in the states...I'll still point and laugh just like I do here but only as long his purse isn't big enough to carry a gun.

2. Families in matching clothes. Like kindergarten kids, mom and dad wearing the same thing. If your clothes match your kids' clothes...wow. If you can't recognize your wife and kid in a crowd so you have to look down at what you're wearing and then find them...I can't even finish that sentence.

And then to top it off

Do you know what it's like to be woken up by scratching inside the wall? I do.

One can only hope.

something on the roof,or outside somewhere

I'm sitting here being not lazy just resting my aching feet and muscles because I so have totally been going to the gym. And then. There's this noise that sounds like a thump. Or a bump. Or the sound when you drop something squishy on the outside and hard on the inside (like a hamster) on some kind of hollow surface.

My first thought is to look around and see that I didn't knock anything over with my telekinetic powers that as of yet have to show them selves but I practice everyday. (late bloomer) Why I thought this when the sound was distinctly from outside my general vicinity and on the roof I have no idea.

So then I thought of three things it could be.

1: a cat
2: someone's pigeon that has been released from kidnapping and is staggering back to its pen to eat for the first time in 12 hours.
3: the neighbors elderly mom. I hear she falls all the time. But they moved out awhile ago. So maybe they left her here?
Now it sounds like more stuff falling, a whole pile of stuff.

Oh, I think new neighbors are moving in.

you wish you did it too

I guess at 2AM on 11/22 I had something on my mind that just couldn't wait so I wrote it down somewhere and found it today! hooray!


Sometimes I put on a show for the people I imagine have a telescope pointed at my window. Mostly it involves my leaving the shower naked to find a towel . But sometimes I'll treat the peeping toms to 'walking like an eygpytian' all over the place.
If  you have known me for years and you think I'm not the kind of person who does that sort of thing then I say to you, 'Hell no, I don't do that crap. Not in public, and certainly not for free. And I dare you to call me a liar!'


And when you do, then I'll say that you had better point your telescope at the heavenly bodies it was intended for.
PS Does it make it any weirder that it's my kitchen window? Because it probably should!

no pain, no free haircut

I have a huge blister on my foot

 because of the high heels I had to wear, which I haven't done in months

  

because of a photo shoot I did 

 because I agreed to be a hair model for a salon competition.

because I'm such a nice person

3g's?

I have a class on Saturday mornings that I don't mind teaching so much, they're older but still not quite awkward although its getting there fast. five junior high boys and one girl so in order to actually get them talking (it's a conversation class) I have to talk about things that aren't necessarily from the magazine articles we discuss.


There was one article about some cooking show on natgeo channel that led to the discussion question "What food turns your stomach?"


I got this answer from one of the more enthusiastic students about a Chinese dish, although for the life of me I couldn't understand what the name of this dish was because this kid has a hell of a lisp.


oh, I looked it up. It's 三吱兒, san zhi or three squeaks (or sound a door makes)


It involves pink baby mice. It's not very appetizing.

its christmas, so what?

The weather is barely cold enough to warrant a jacket let alone a sweatshirt.

My students are asking me the meaning behind my zombie murder implicating t shirt. I didn't mean to take off my sweater, it was just so hot in the classroom, I forgot my t shirt had blood and zombie guts on it. It's not a winterwonderland so its not christams.

although it is the season for 'writing tipsy emails and updates that sound oh so great when i write them but regretably crap when i read them the day after' so I guess that's as Christmas as its going to get.

on that note, I'm going to talk about my toilet.

I have found this absolutely divine toilet smell good thingy that I want to take with me every where I go and apply as needed.

Jelly star squeezed out of of plastic 'decorate cakes' type of thing and applied with the utmost of care onto the bowl of my toilet equals holiday joy for me.
That mysterious brown nub sneaking out under the rim of my toilet is an unidentified hanging object that has been tentatively dubbed 'petrified lizard skin' by Chi when asked "what the hell is that thing?"

geckos have been known to zip in and out of my apartment and leave tails and toes behind after capture and release out of the window (which is five stories up ...RIP geckos)

so lizard skin isn't out of the question although more likely is some scummy foamy thing that was in the toilet when it was installed and never bothered to be removed thus relieving me of all blame and to my credit discovering said nastiness and making somewhat art out of it.

you are reading this after all. Thats makes it art and not toilet scum.

Oh, I just can't help myself, I'll probably regret it later, but...

Happy holidays to all and to all a good refreshing after flush scent.

the weirdest things i've seen today

UPDATED: 
hahaha, I totally just realized that my messed up teeth dude in the dentists' chair could totally be Mr. Garrison 

walking by the dentists office I saw an x-ray up on a screen near one of the chairs. There were more than 7 fake teeth screwed into this person's mouth. seriously...

I saw a monk, Buddhist monk, the one that usually chants outside of the station for donations, having a wee outside of the ramp to the parking lot for the hospital. I didn't know what he was doing facing the ramp, and still chanting. Then I saw the stream. Then again this guy buys lotto tickets while flicking his cigarette ash around.

i don't get it...

I troll through other blogs just to see what other people write about, find something funnier than anything I could come up with, or something so lame it makes me feel better about myself. I just don't know what this is? It certainly doesn't make me feel better about myself, laugh out loud or inspire me to be better.

any ideas?

i've been so sick

i've been so sick the past two weeks its not even worth mentioning. Lets just say feverish dreams convinced me that i had already quit my job, made my way back home and was about to be fed some tomato soup (which i dislike terribly) and a ham sandwich (which i love more than anything) by my mom (whom I also am fond of) in the land of Oz.Yes, i can call Oz home and you can't do a thing about it.


Yes, before trying to fall asleep in a sweat soaked bed I've been trying to read the most boring yet pleasant things i can, I know from experience that fever + medicine = horrific dreams if not coaxed from the beginning to be all fluffly and peaceful.


Since i don't have my taped off tv care bears movies then the complete Frank L. Baum Oz collection would have to do. I hadn't realized how much awful, sweet, polite, politically incorrect, repetitive and wonderful books were written about my least favorite heroine Dorthy. I seriously can't stand that chick, she just sits around passing judgment, calling people stupid, and once tossed some water on a witch. She never bothered to bring back anything that would help her aunt and uncle, wasted wishes on getting halfway to where they were actually trying to go instead of curing world hunger, and never got bestowed with a donkey head or disemboweled or anything that happened to everyone around her.


But I did get to dream about ham sandwiches and Oz and everything was green but not from mildew as it often is here.


I'd rather try something else but safe boring and polite dream inducing books I can't think of at the moment. Any suggestions?


I made the mistake of listening to The Heart of Darkness podcast to sleep last night read by some guy with a voice like Johnny Cash after five cigars and a quart of milk. Luckily my fever was gone and the worst I came up with was drowning in ink in the middle of some African desert. Mr. Conrad isn't very politically correct either.

Oh yeah, you bet I did...

I thought this one deserved a thing all of its own. That is a toilet in Japan. That armrest thing on the side is all kids of fun flushing/cleaning/sound barrier creating goodness that (while the plane was boarding) I had to play with. 

Not only can you adjust pressure and volume, for those sushi loaded times of the day you can press the 'powerful deodorizer' 
I did push it, and was disappointed that some fan just came on from somewhere in the bowl. I guess i was expecting more of a incense infusion to be released from above me. 


In all I was dissapointed. The fart muffling flushing sound was obviously prerecorded and everyone would know exactly what was going on when you push it. I couldn't figure out how to easily stop it so i had to just turn down the volume really low. 


The seat didn't have time to probably warm up and neither did the water. Making it a rather chilly spray. I will say this, that toilet's aim is dead on...and that's all I'll say.


I still have never used a bidet and i didn't want my first one to be in a Japanese airport. I still don't know how those things work and seems like I'd waste more tp drying off than would be used normally. With all the paper we're saving using computers and kindles and email and ipads I'm sure there's plenty of paper to go around.

Why mom shouldn’t do things…

Dad says things that still surprise me but mom does things that surprise me. 
Mom likes birds. She had a bird for awhile and carried it everywhere. It ate her hair and crapped on everyone’s shoes and laid eggs in the most unreachable places that we would discover weeks later. It was supposed to learn how to ‘talk’ but only learned one whistle. 
One whistle that it used only while we were watching TV. Or trying to talk on the phone, or anything that didn’t require birds whistling.
It probably never liked me because I would chase it around the house with whatever was handy; a broom, vacuum, my shoe covered in bird crap.

So mom shouldn’t be allowed to have birds in the house. Fair enough. 
So now she has bird feeders outside the door. Right outside the door. Like you can’t exit the patio door without hitting your face in birdseed. Occasionally the birds will fly into the door and create a pleasing thump but that’s where my joy from them ends. Until a hording predatory evil comes crawling up.

When mom sees squirrels get out of hand she knows how to deal. My mom takes my little Red Ryder BB gun that I got for Christmas with instructions not to shoot my eye out, and she shoots squirrels that don’t obey the law of the land. 
I don’t think she should be allowed to shoot squirrels but since its only a bb gun and its like ten years old and I used to shoot siblings with it it can’t be all that bad. 
I have it on good authority that she shouldn’t be allowed to have email either. She probably wouldn’t help out the prince of Nigeria but she would update her password and confirm account numbers and email it off to the ‘bank’ to which she doesn’t even have an account with.

this is for you mom! Not quite what dad had in mind but i'm working on it! There's a bowie knife in there!

Youth-anasia

Dad mentioned to both my and my sister's boyfriends at the time his fabulous business idea, Youth-enasia. It goes a little something like this:

• Your old and decrepit dog is ready for that shiny cold pinch of death from the vet

• You want to spare your child the agony of losing a pet but you can’t bring your sorry self to lie to them

• You call the “Youth-anasia” team to do it for you.

A little later my sister’s boyfriend became her husband, he does have access to a few large SUV’s that might get the startup job done.
Our dog (RIP) died not too long ago…I’m still waiting for the Youth-anasia team to come and drop him off, good as new and ten years younger.

Dad really says these things…

He doesn’t really look like Carl but we like to think he does

• dad suggested today that proper nasal douching will decrease my stuffed/runny nose problems in any country.

He actually said sticking my head in salt water and inhaling, but not too much. Then decided that would be a bad idea and could easily go wrong. So I should just stick with squeezing a few sprays in each nostril like five times a day. To clear out anything that could possibly be up there. I added the douching part. He didn’t like that.

• This conversation ended when mom brought for some reason how he wants to be disposed of when he dies; rolled out on the curb for the trash to come collect.

He neglects to think how straining emotionally, criminally, and physically this will be for his family. But who can ignore dying wishes?

• I had a friend come over and ask if they may use the restroom, and dad answered ‘no, but there are bushes out in the back.”

He claims to not remember this one and then will only admit he was making a joke. I’m not so dense as to think he really wanted my friend to go outside and do their business, it was obviously a joke. I thought it was funny, why not just admit it?

• Mom also said something, but I can’t remember what it was.

I’m sure she wanted to be quoted as saying something intelligent t and cool and sassy and such, but I can’t remember what she said.

ps: I’m purposely not making any drawings for this. To find any joy you’re just going to have to read. And use your imagination. Because I really can’t come up with anything.

Ideas would be welcome…